Rampant Exclamations

If you answered “English”, “retarded”, “neither” or “both”, then you’ll love this week’s installment of Rampant Exclamations!!!

• OMG Meteorite Bling Bling, I think real life just spoiled the story of the next Resident Evil game.  Seriously, read that article and tell me that doesn’t sound like the prologue to a survival horror game or movie.  Flash forward a few weeks later, and the American governement sends in a covert ops team to scout out the situation and search for any survivors of the deadly Peru Flu (as named by Us Weekly.)  But it is quickly apparent that another group has gotten there first…and they may want the horrible secret of the mutating meteorite zombie space gas to themselves!  Are they a friendly ally looking only for a cure to the horrific disease now cutting a swath of death and destruction through South America?  Or are they an evil corporate entity seeking to use the disease as a biological weapon to cripple Earth’s governments and seize total control for themselves?  Find out for yourself, and up to 7 friends on Xbox Live and Playstation Network, next fall!
  But seriously…Peru is screwed and I am not yet adept enough in weapons training to survive a full blown zombie outbreak.  Firebomb them back to the Stone Age and let’s cut our losses now.  I apologize to any Peruvian readers out there, but it’s time to Raccoon City that biatch.
• Orly, Iams?  With another pimp slap to the face of common sense, Iams has introduced Savory Sauces, essentially condiments for your dog’s food.  FINALLY!  Something to get the taste of your dog’s own ass out of its mouth.  And although it clearly doesn’t mind the intoxicating melange of anus, balls and fur, here’s three different flavors in case it’s finicky!  Put that baby formula back on the shelf, Ma, the puppies need more Yum Juice on their Crap Cubes!  That’s Iams, screwing up your priorities since 1946!
• The Cowboys signed Tank Johnson to a 2 year deal!  Finally, a convicted felon to get my ‘Boys out of this disasterous 2-0 slump!  By the time he’s eligible to play in Week 9, they could be 8-0!  Pray that he’s there in time to staunch the flow of winning and prevent yet another talented Cowboys team from achieving playoff success.  Pray.
• Speaking of football, I think it’s time for our first RAMPANT FOOTBALLIN’ FANTASY FOOTBALL UPDATE! (presented without commercial interruption by Iams Savory Sauces!)  Don’t know why I am taking the time to do this, as I am predictably dead last, but inquiring minds may wonder how we are doing in our endeavor so far.  Here are the standings after Week 2:
  1. The Headless Dwarves (Michael)–143 points
  2. Innocent Bystanders (Phil)–129 points
  3. Peyton Manatees (Will)–112 points
  4. Team r0xx0rs (Burch)–104 points
  5. Chicken Fuel (Clint)–98 points
  6. The Rage (Greg)–95 points
  Who the hell knew that Derek Anderson had access to and control over dark magic?  His “Confusion” technique was superb at bedazzling the Cincy D, and his accuracy percentage was much too high to not be augmented by some sort of special armor, talisman or headband.  In any case I am bringing up the rear, but that’s alright.  At least I’m not a Bengals fan.  Go Romo!
• Mayo Technology–someone check Youtube to see if that’s been done already.  If not, suit up, grab your Miracle Whip and sandwich fixins, and meet me at my apartment this weekend.  We’re gonna make internet video song parody GOLD!
• Because of this, this and this, I’ll probably have all three next-gen systems in the next few months.  Hopefully I can get my roommate to get a Wii like she said she would before Smash comes out, that way I only have to pay, like, a million dollars for my PS3 (hyperbole of course; by then the price should be dropped to a much more manageable $Shit-ton.)  The online component of Smash is far from impressive, but it’s 100% functional in the only way I would need it: to be able to play my friends without having to go to their apartment/dorm/house/commune/hovel/dank pit of despair.  Now all I have to do is remember how to play the game in the first place and I’m all set.
• This just in: kittens are still cute.
• 

This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 19th, 2007 at 9:43 am and is filed under Kitty!, News Post, Puppy!, Rant, Sports, Video Games. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.